Carol ItohBreaking Up Made Easy!
September 14th 2008 09:36
Consider these 10 steps to breaking it off:
1. Make sure it's what you want.
Be suspicious of any decision made out of anger. If you're furious about something that they said or did, make your upset known and make sure they understand that it's not OK. If, when you are in a calm space, you see their behavior as part of a pattern of disrespect that makes you feel bad about yourself, then perhaps you should break up.
2. Face it, you're the bad guy.
You'll have to get comfortable with your role. Though it may be the best thing for everyone, rejecting someone is not exactly a nice thing to do and being rejected is not a pleasant experience. Accept it. Be prepared to be the "bad guy" who is inflicting the pain.
Standard Breakup Etiquette
1) Break up in person.
2) Break up in private.
3) Don't break up on big occasions.
4) Be honest with them.
5) Own your part of the failure.
3. Stay focused.
Before you have "the talk," get it clear in your mind. You can't go on with this person forever. You want the rest of your life to start now. Set aside the issues, the million reasons, and the transgressions for a while and go for simple.
4. Pick a good time.
There's no such thing as a perfect time for breaking up, but try to pick a time that doesn't totally suck. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and days that they are returning home from the hospital should all be considered inopportune times for crushing someone's heart.
5. Simply end it.
Tell them that you need to have a serious discussion with them, and when they say, "About what?" tell them that you have decided to end the relationship.
6. You don't have to give reasons.
Emotions have always had an uneasy relationship with language. Your future ex will want to understand all the reasons and issues so that they can try to rationalize and/or change your mind. But it's not that easy. You don't love this person and maybe you can't explain why. Don't be led into the trap of looking for rational reasons. Emotions are, by their very nature, not rational. However, if you do have reasons, write them down so you don't forget during the storm of emotion that is likely to occur.
7. Prepare yourself for their reactions.
There's no such thing as a perfect time for breaking up, but try to pick a time that doesn't totally suck. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and days that they are returning home from the hospital should all be considered inopportune times for crushing someone's heart.
9. Don't let it go on and on.
It's over in your heart, so it's over. Period. Put a time limit on it with some kind of excuse that lets you out of the conversation. After the talk, let it be. No reiteration. No tying up loose ends. Don't even bother with returning each other's belongings. Do the job of ending it and let all the details take care of themselves. The end.
10. Realize that you may not get closure.
You may always wonder about (perhaps even regret) this ending. You may think about this person for the rest of your days. Deep down, endings aren't as final as they seem to be in the moment. Allow yourself a lot of contradictory feelings, but don't let them interfere with the achievement of a good, clear ending.
Good luck!
Top 10 Break-Up Songs!
Lost Cause - Beck
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five
You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
Ever Fallen in Love? - Buzzcocks
F**k It (I Don't Want You Back) - Eamon
Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt
Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) - Motley Crue
These Boots Are Made for Walkin' - Nancy Sinatra
Since You're Gone - The Cars
Love Stinks - The J. Geils Band
art.com
1. Make sure it's what you want.
Be suspicious of any decision made out of anger. If you're furious about something that they said or did, make your upset known and make sure they understand that it's not OK. If, when you are in a calm space, you see their behavior as part of a pattern of disrespect that makes you feel bad about yourself, then perhaps you should break up.
2. Face it, you're the bad guy.
You'll have to get comfortable with your role. Though it may be the best thing for everyone, rejecting someone is not exactly a nice thing to do and being rejected is not a pleasant experience. Accept it. Be prepared to be the "bad guy" who is inflicting the pain.
1) Break up in person.
2) Break up in private.
3) Don't break up on big occasions.
4) Be honest with them.
5) Own your part of the failure.
3. Stay focused.
Before you have "the talk," get it clear in your mind. You can't go on with this person forever. You want the rest of your life to start now. Set aside the issues, the million reasons, and the transgressions for a while and go for simple.
4. Pick a good time.
There's no such thing as a perfect time for breaking up, but try to pick a time that doesn't totally suck. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and days that they are returning home from the hospital should all be considered inopportune times for crushing someone's heart.
Tell them that you need to have a serious discussion with them, and when they say, "About what?" tell them that you have decided to end the relationship.
6. You don't have to give reasons.
Emotions have always had an uneasy relationship with language. Your future ex will want to understand all the reasons and issues so that they can try to rationalize and/or change your mind. But it's not that easy. You don't love this person and maybe you can't explain why. Don't be led into the trap of looking for rational reasons. Emotions are, by their very nature, not rational. However, if you do have reasons, write them down so you don't forget during the storm of emotion that is likely to occur.
7. Prepare yourself for their reactions.
There's no such thing as a perfect time for breaking up, but try to pick a time that doesn't totally suck. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and days that they are returning home from the hospital should all be considered inopportune times for crushing someone's heart.
9. Don't let it go on and on.
It's over in your heart, so it's over. Period. Put a time limit on it with some kind of excuse that lets you out of the conversation. After the talk, let it be. No reiteration. No tying up loose ends. Don't even bother with returning each other's belongings. Do the job of ending it and let all the details take care of themselves. The end.
10. Realize that you may not get closure.
You may always wonder about (perhaps even regret) this ending. You may think about this person for the rest of your days. Deep down, endings aren't as final as they seem to be in the moment. Allow yourself a lot of contradictory feelings, but don't let them interfere with the achievement of a good, clear ending.
Good luck!
Top 10 Break-Up Songs!
Lost Cause - Beck
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five
You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
Ever Fallen in Love? - Buzzcocks
F**k It (I Don't Want You Back) - Eamon
Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt
Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) - Motley Crue
These Boots Are Made for Walkin' - Nancy Sinatra
Since You're Gone - The Cars
Love Stinks - The J. Geils Band
art.com
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